YayEvil!

The End

2006-08-11T16:19:00.000-04:00

This site was a parody
Of all that has come to be
But it's done — the joke is old
It's gotten worse, as they foretold

I cannot anymore say "Yay!"
So I am picking this day
To end this silly tongue-in-cheek
And instead, I will now tweak

The way in which I can express
All thoughts that I choose to address
I'll do it within poetry
A new blog you will start to see

But it won't obtain a link
Anonymous it will be, I think
With only those quite close to me
Able to know, and quickly see

That I am behind this new thing
I hope that some good it can bring
So now that I am at the end
I bid you fond farewell, my friend

Mission: End the World

2006-07-05T13:05:00.000-04:00

° Attack countries without Weapons of Mass Destruction.
° Associate them with terrorists.
° Foment global feelings of hatred.
° When countries actually with Weapons of Mass Destruction fire them on Independence Day, don't do anything about it.
° Infuriate populace.
° Proceed into nuclear conflict.

Mission complete.

Let's attack Islam again!

2006-07-01T12:29:00.000-04:00

Just when you thought Good had won and that most people accepted that a minority of Islamic people are violent ... we deliver the

Killing blow!

Check this out! A new documentary titled ISLAM: What the West Needs to Know, linked from the Christian Coalition website, scheduled to make its debut a few days after Independence Day, in a city near you, to remind America that Muslims are the enemy!

We're so relieved. At least someone is working on distracting the populace from the fact that 2,500+ American soldiers have died because their government told them lies.

Good going, Christian Coalition! Kudos to you for keeping America quiet.

Traditional values. Count on the Christian Coalition to make sure the sons and daughters of America are seen (in uniform, perhaps at military funerals with flags draped over their coffins) and not heard.

It's been a while

2006-06-30T13:52:00.000-04:00

...and we know that you've missed us...

Look, we've been very busy shutting down the State of New Jersey.

This has taken a while to engineer. After all, we had to convince the entire populace that it would be better to shut down the entire government, and all services, rather than ask them for a penny more per dollar tax.

We've had a lot of resistance from common sense people, but we spread enough hysteria, had a rally or two including one at the shore with women in bikinis, and it seems that we've finally won.

So congrats, Minions. And happy unpaid vacation, state employees.

Bird flu haiku

2006-05-08T17:45:00.000-04:00

Bird flu pandemic
McDonald's Asian Salad
Well done, McMinions

Land of the free (rich people)

2006-04-25T06:55:00.000-04:00

Minions, please. Hush up about gas prices.

Are you serious? Congress asking President Bush to investigate petroleum prices? Oil Bush?

Even a Good Person (ick) could see that's misguided. But I'm afraid you, Minions, are slipping into this madness too.

Listen up. You want gas prices to stay high.

Allow me to explain why.

Do you know the reason for toll roads, especially in states like New Jersey? Population control.

See, New Jersey is the most densely populated state in the United States. And the Turnpike and Parkway are set up as toll roads not as a revenue source, but in order to separate the wheat from the chaff of the populace.

It's economic discrimination. Poor people cannot ride on toll roads in their hoopdy cars, by and large. Ever notice how it's mostly nice cars on the Turnpike? Thus, there's a fairly quick way for the wealthier people to get back and forth to work.

This is a good thing.

You don't want the economically disadvantaged masses to get around and mess things up. Stay in your ghettos, unhappy poor people (UPPs for short).

Not a new idea. Happened to Jews in Poland and Germany under similar types of administrations. And it was a good thing then too, right?

OK, so, we have the UPPs staying in their ghettos, but the road is still crowded. What now?

Well, there's always the next-to-poor people. Yeah, the middle class. OK. Let's make them poor too.

If we raise the price of gas, they can't get around either. And by doing this one simple thing, we also raise the prices of everything else, creating a whole new class of poor people, to clear up our roads and deepen the divide between the wealthy and the impoverished.

Meanwhile the oil companies still make a killing.

This is patriotic. This country was founded on the exploitation of the disadvantaged, from the Native Americans, through Black slaves, through Chinese railroad workers and now Mexican migrant workers — it's an American tradition.

It happens all over, even in the corporate and civil service sectors. Ever notice that the people who make the most money are your top level administrators and executives, who have to make the "tough decisions" like cutting budgets, firing people, providing fewer services to the sick, needy and helpless? Providing more "accountability" for school children and less education and extracurricular programs? And how these financial rewards go up and up for those who swing the axe?

America rewards harm. So celebrate!

And know that if you're paying more at the pump, or ultimately for bread and milk, you're just being a good patriot.

The messages

2006-03-30T06:48:00.000-05:00

As if he's the only one, CNN is reporting that this man is being jailed for a plot to kill President Bush.

Great work, CNN. You keep confusing America with this crap, and it's great for both your business, and Our Thing.

See all those pictures of ordinary people rallying around the world, calling the United States the The Great Satan (flattering), etc.? Those people are the real deal — and they only hate us for the right reasons.

But connecting Freakboy to Al'Quaeda? Haha ... brilliant!

This story sends three messages to the American people:

1) It's not safe to hate President Bush. You will be arrested.
2) Al'Queda hates the President and they are not working together.
3) People with Muslim names still can't be trusted.

Who cares if #2 and #3 are not true, if #1 is?

Watch your back, America. If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it ... or you'll be arrested.

Burying the lead

2006-03-19T09:03:00.000-05:00

Great job, CNN.

In a story about French youth rioting, and tear-gas-flinging police firing water cannons at students, you buried the lead in a masterful way.

All that people reading the story will figure out is that French kids are rioting for some reason, and causing a lot of damage. The story gives us no clue why they're rioting — until the end.

The reason for the riots is six paragraphs from the bottom of the story. And every journalist knows people tend not to read that far (except we, the smart evil people). The first three paragraphs are all that matters.

So you did a great job... but there's always room for improvement.

Take MSNBC, for instance. They chose not to cover it at all.

Keep people ignorant. It's the only way we're winning.

Smoke and mirrors?

2006-03-15T03:08:00.000-05:00

Poor Philip Morris.

All it was trying to do was run a web-advertisement that would be aesthetically appealing enough so people would watch it.

Here's a company that has been a real trooper in the face of terrible Evil Defamation Lawsuits. While our Lawyer Minions benefit tremendously from such litigious cavorting, unfortunately, others among us have to suffer.

Thus with all the fuss, some concessions must be made. But imagine poor Phil having to deal with the brouhaha over having young, healthy people featured in an ad that encourages people to quit.

So we at YayEvil.com have come up with an alternative, for the people at PM.

In your next campaign, you are required by the Goody Goods, from here forward, to only use ads featuring really butt-ugly people.

Yes... and Phil, this will work out better for you.

See, if no one can stomach watching these ads, they will never figure out how to stop smoking. And if that happens, you will continue to make good money.

See? Every cloud has an infernal lining!

Seriously? Bush = Hitler?

2006-03-09T07:42:00.000-05:00

Teachers, don't you have anything better to do?

What about preparing kids for No Child Left Behind standardized tests?

Why are you runnin' off at the mouth about George W. Bush being like Hitler?

Haven't you learned yet? Unpatriotic. Overdramatic.

NO ONE CARES IF IT'S TRUE.

It's just not that important.

So shh. If you want to keep your jobs, that is.

Free speech is a myth.

Just like Santa Claus.

So grow up, and shut up.

First Amendment eliminated

2006-03-06T07:08:00.000-05:00

Yes, this is why Good will never win.

See, even if you try to challenge Evil (Yay Evil!) by having a group of bright public high school students put the President of the United States on trial for War Crimes, thousands of e-mails and letters from you, my loyal Minions, will put the kabosh on the whole ordeal so that our boy (Yay Bush!) escapes criticism.

The beauty is this is occurring not by a ruling of the courts. And it's occurring in a public school, traditionally a "safe zone" for the ACLU's agents and other pinko hippies..

How did we win?

True Evil is subtle.

True Evil doesn't need committees, or a judge, or a police force, or an army to rob the citizenry of its freedom.

All it needs is subtle social pressure.

So conform, America. Question your neighbor's patriotism.

Sit down and shut up. Make no decisions. Come to no conclusions about power.

Stay in your homes. Pretty soon Wal-Mart will be shipping direct anyway.

I'll be the one to protect you from your enemies and your choices son. They're one in the same. I will isolate you. Isolate and save you from yourself. — "Pet" by A Perfect Circle

Believers ... ruining everything!

2006-03-03T20:45:00.000-05:00

I guess it comes as no surprise that I am a Devils fan.

I mean, just look at the logo. How could a guy like me not love that logo? It's impossible.

Thousands and thousands of people, crammed into the Continental Airlines arena, as a ring of fire adorns the entire circumference of the arena...

... infernally accessorized fans cheering their hearts out ...

... as a little effeminate Italian Devil helps lead cheers for players, who are dressed like this...

What's not to love? Fans dressed much the same, little kids wearing flashing horns ...

It was paradise. Well, my kind. I loved it. It was better than Cats. I will see it again and again. (Know the skit?)

WOW!!! The kids just ate this up!

And their parents condoning it!

How great is that?

It made Halloween look like Easter (which is kind of grotesque in its own way, but we won't go there ["I live there"]).

Heck, it was no wonder that I was able to find evidence that even the ancient Hebrews were... drumroll please... and I am sounding it out ... New Gerzee (sic) Deveelz (sic) fans!

But I digress.

A lot.

So I'm there, just swelling with pride at these apparently oblivious minions engaged in Devils Worship, and what do I see?

Among my peeps?

T H I S

Yeah it was Wednesday, and it was the beginning of Lent (and I almost lent these people some soap).

But seriously ... at a DEVILS GAME???!!!!???

So I ate them.

And the Devils beat the team from the City of Brotherly Love (*gag*) so I was pleased. The End.

Evil ... It Floats! (tm)

2006-03-01T07:07:00.000-05:00

I love these kinds of headlines:

Bush Buoyant Despite Sagging Polls.

Oh, shut up, Condi. Like you'd know. You only wish.

Now, come on, people. He was interviewed by Elizabeth Vargas. I guarantee nothing was sagging.

And as far as being buoyant...

... of course!

Look, as far as things go, the popularity of a President of the United States is important in a democracy.

But this ain't a democracy anymore, folks.

You chose differently! You chose for Evil to take its place in your midst and make its will the way. Without anyone but Republicans anywhere in the legislative or executive branches, you've given Evil a clear mandate to take over your society.

So please, stop yer bitchin'.

We've disguised our takeover in theocracy.
We've got a buoyant president, floatin' in oil.
And we're spying on you to make sure we can make you STFU when you protest.

And you can be satisfied, America. You chose this!

Kyrie Eleison

2006-02-24T19:24:00.000-05:00

Sorry for offenses given
Feelings that I may have driven
To the point of no returning
Raising eyebrows, tempers burning

It is all satire, always was
I did not mean to raise a fuss
But with that said, it's not changing
I've just done some re-arranging

I just write for getting a rise
At the expense of the bad guys
Although it's changed, it's much the same
All that is changing is my name

Dick Cheney fired

2006-02-15T07:29:00.000-05:00

... and hit this guy .... (tasteless, I know) .... who had a heart attack, CNN reports, because some of the bird shot moved to his heart.

But seriously, Dick Cheney is fired by Evil (Yay Evil!).

Why? Well... it doesn't look good.

First of all, Cheney is making hunting in particular, and guns in general, look dangerous by his very public misstep.

Remember, "Guns don't kill people. People kill people." Old National Rifle Association slogan (I couldn't make this up).

But in this case, the Vice President of the United States of America nearly killed a hunting buddy.

Blame faulty intelligence.

We're willing to do that. We believe Dick Cheney's intelligence, at this point, is pretty faulty. And we can no longer be associated with him.

Evil on Evil violence is not good for our image. It doesn't present the unified front we so desperately need.

The targeting systems of our military establishment have about the same accuracy at identifying and eliminating targets as Dick. So we really can't allow the two to be associated.

So, from now on, our new slogan is Guns and Dicks Don't Mix. We have an image to maintain. And remember, we should be shooting the other people over there, not rich Whittington boys over here.

I knew it! I'm surrounded by assholes! — Dark Helmet, Spaceballs

Help wanted!

2006-02-13T08:52:00.000-05:00

Now hiring butlers (a.k.a. "professional home managers") for help in maintaining the state of Evil (YayEvil!) in northern New Jersey.

This glamorous position would involve some very rudimentary tasks around the Evil estate, including:

Cooking
Cleaning up from cooking
Cleaning generally
Shopping
Paying bills
Getting the car washed
Decorating the estate
Straightening the estate

Lodging is available in the storage unit beneath the estate, where there is a futon available (heating and plumbing not currently available, but it's Morris County so there are a lot of woods for building fires and getting some privacy).

Salary is completely commission-based, which means unlimited potential income once you design and market YayEvil! T-shirts, baseball caps, and coffee mugs!

If it isn't clear to you already, Evil needs a lot of help in this world. Think of our president. Do you think he could function at all, on his own, without a staff? I think not.

What about Britney Spears? Could she?
Tom Cruise?
Oprah?

See my point?

Evil needs henchmen. It's just the way of the world. It's always been that way (think of all the henchmen in James Bond movies). And as it should be.

This once-in-a-lifetime-and-maybe-afterlife opportunity is a limited time offer! So apply today!

Blog Tag! (A Dark Lord is dubbed)

2006-02-07T07:15:00.001-05:00

Tag! Evil's it!

The Pensive Turtle tagged me (and referred to me as The Dark Lord which I kind of like, honestly) so I guess Evil (YayEvil!) must oblige...

So brace yourselves, Minions!

("Before everything else ... I was like you...." - Trent Reznor)

DIRECTIONS: Remove the blog in the top spot from the following lists and bump everyone up one place. Then add your blog to the bottom slot:

1) Sarah With No H
2) Just Thoughts
3) I Am Prepared to Give Up at Any Time
4) Views from the Shell
5) YayEvil!

Next, select five people to tag:

1) Garms
2) Kim
3) XHavana (rocks!)
4) Shar
5) Kevinescence?

What were you doing 10 years ago?

I was a senior at Trenton State College (not TCNJ, ever) and totally stressed out about finding a job after College. I think I was getting peeved on a regular basis that my soon-to-be-financé was hanging out with people besides me. And uh... it was before I became an online gamer. So really, it wasn't me at all. It was someone else.

What were you doing 1 year ago?

Living in Bordentown with my brother and his girlfriend in a condo we rented the previous November, travelling back and forth to Philadelphia every day for one of two jobs or school, and eagerly awaiting word about whether I got placed for psychology internship. I was also talking to my ex every day, and started on Match.com and eHarmony. No, I'm not proud! Shut up.

Five snacks you enjoy:

1. French fries and ketchup
2. Chocolate covered pretzels
3. Anything soupy or stewy
4. Black peppercorn jerky
5. The souls of the damned, with the blood of infants as a beverage (... what? was it something I said?)

Five songs you know all the words to:

1. "Fack" - Eminem
2. "The Great Below" - Nine Inch Nails ("And I descend from Grace, in arms of undertow, I will take my place in the Great Below")
3. "Terrible Lie" - Nine Inch Nails
4. "Only Happy When It Rains" - Garbage
5. "My Prerogative" - Bobby Brown

Five things you would do if you were a millionaire:

1. Get a new car to bang up (black)
2. Get a black trenchcoat with a red satin lining, like I used to have in college
3. Go everywhere and see everything with a reptilian companion
4. Buy a house with a huge fire pit, I mean, fireplace
5. Buy a chocolatier... and maybe a place to keep him/her

Five bad habits:

1. I come home and take off most of my clothes as a first order of business
2. I fall asleep at the wheel sometimes
3. I don't clean unless I have company
4. Sometimes I don't even do #3
5. But I pretend to do #3 by throwing things in closets and drawers

Five things you enjoy doing:

1. Tangling with turtles
2. Playing chess
3. Getting silly with the drinks
4. Watching Smallville
5. Denying #4

Five things you would never wear again:

1. The pants I wore today, after a patient told me I had a belly to lose...
2. The pair of socks I wore to run today. I think they need to be burned.
3. My old Ring of Lies
4. My mom's orange mousse base makeup that I wore in 9th grade to hide acne
5. The sweatsuit with the dress shirt under it (6th grade — thanks Kim for telling me it was a bad idea)

Five favorite toys:

1. My Mac products (17" Powerbook, 12" Powerbook, iPod Mini, iPod Shuffle)
2. TiVo
3. My pitchfork
4. My Harem Xena action figure
5. The destiny of innocents!

"I don't give a f&#*. God sent me to piss the world off." — Eminem

Mark of Respect to Islam

2006-02-06T23:46:00.000-05:00

As a mark of our deep regard for the tens of thousands of angry Islamicists (sic) worldwide who are protesting the disrespectful cartoons of the Prophet...

... I have decided to republish them, to show just how utterly horrible they are. Unlike CNN, which won't publish them out of respect for Islam.

Misguided bastards.
(I meant CNN).

Now, understand that I post this in full agreement with our unnecessarily hot, hairy, overclothed brothers and sisters in the desert. No one should have the right to publish anything that offends anyone!

And especially them. I mean, they've had very hot weather, for a very long time. I'd be pissed too. Wouldn't you? (Hell's hot, but up here you should really enjoy air conditioning).

Let's not unnecessarily upset them anymore than they already are, OK? Otherwise there's bound to be more embassy bombings and stampedes of other faithful, and that's just not cool.

So that we can all recognize these horrible images, and do our best to remove them wherever they are found, I am posting them here.

In their entirety.

Right now.

ALLAH AKBAR!
(suckers)

Victory! Religious war initiated!

2006-02-04T06:43:00.000-05:00

Rejoice greatly, O Ares! Shout with us, O Mars!

These are angry Muslims. They are burning a Danish flag. Truly, the pen is mightier than the sword.

According to our friends over at Cthulhu News Network, thousands of angry Mohammedans marched the streets of Gaza City, calling for the beheading of the graphic artist who depicted The Prophet Mohammed with a bomb for a turban.

This is a double no-no. No graven images of the Prophet, ever. And to add insult to injury, the images insinuate that he's behind the violence.

The irony is that the flag-burning, bloodthirsty idjits are upset about depictions of the prophet as violent, and yet they are calling for violence against the cartoonist and publishers. They are providing testimony to the validity of the stereotype and Westerners couldn't be more smug about it!

We couldn't be more pleased.

It was a very old plan. Divide people into different languages, and then create creeds — properly defined as "sets of imaginary differences between human beings based on myths no one can disprove to those stupid enough to believe them in the first place" — and then let them fight it out.

Meanwhile, we will be profiting from both sides of all the conflict. We're reaping our investment on several fronts: war supplies, "rebuilding" efforts, spread of consumerism to conquered areas, and last but certainly not least...

... the collection of souls that are consumed by fear and hatred.

So this couldn't be going better for us. And frankly, this person is one hell of a cartoonist!

Long live the conflict between dogmatism and freethinkers! Our bloody cup runneth over ...

Evil Exclusive: He won't tell you this tonight!

2006-01-31T09:54:00.000-05:00

WASHINGTON, D.C. — You're being told that tonight, the President of the United States of America will tell you he will stay the course in Iraq, and talk about healthcare, energy, and education.

We're so proud.

An American president will dupe his people into thinking he's doing something to fix the most criminalized health care system in the world.

He will talk about energy, when this administration's main objective has been to successfully line its own pockets by increasing valid excuses for high petroleum costs. He will avoid mentioning that the government didn't strengthen the levees after several warnings to the Army Corps of Engineers, and delayed in responding to Katrina (because it had to be a bigger tragedy to justify the inflated fuel costs).

He will talk about education when he can barely speak the English language coherently, and when his education accountability initiatives have actually dumbed down Americans (more dumb people = more Conservative votes) by reducing the amount of time teachers have to inculcate critical thinking skills, and increasing the amount of time teachers must spend prepping kids for useless standardized tests.

This is so great.

But! What he isn't telling you is that for the past few years, The Minion in Chief himself has been working on a solution to having so many troops overseas. And very much like the Incredible Hulk's dad, he used his own genetics to do it.

Yes, America. You've thought that your president was monkeying around with the globe. Well, you had no idea. At 9:01 p.m. EST tonight, as the world is watching him speak of other issues, the President will unleash a secret task force of super-monkey-soldiers into Iraq, to end the insurgency. And they all have Bush DNA.

"There's far too much talking going on," the President said in a private interview with YayEvil.com. "We need to mix it up a little bit. Heh heh. These soldiers don't talk, and don't take orders. They just shoot, and that's really what we need to do more of over there."

Bush said he believes most American troops should be sent home very soon, with this new task force running things.

"Oh, they're not mean monkeys," he said. "They'll only shoot the adults. It's not like they're going to go apeshit... heh-heh... plus they have my natural good looks! They'll probably be elected to office by whoever [sic] is left to vote!"

From Hell it looks like a Smile

2006-01-24T11:19:00.000-05:00

It was this story about January 24 being the Most Depressing Day of the Year (we felt it should be capitalized and perhaps made a national holiday) that inspired me to take a look at our numbers...

... and our numbers are growing! And it's not just all those newly enlightened Canadian voters either (see below).

Indeed ... as things look worse, we look better.

Have you considered welcoming the Dark Prince into your life?

True story: I was once walking through Wal-Mart, talking on my cell phone, marvelling at the amazing housewares that were selling for next to nothing there, and I mentioned to my friend on the phone how it barely concerned me that these items were the result of child labor in third world countries.

And she replied: "Well, if you were Republican like me, you wouldn't feel bad about any of that."

And that planted the seed.

Imagine how great, how un-depressing, your life would be if you just came all the way over to Evil (Yay Evil!).

It is surely no coincidence that looking up from Hell, all those upside down frowns look like smiles!

UPDATE: Canada Defeated!

2006-01-24T07:26:00.000-05:00

CANADA — Our forces have successfully captured Canada's political system...

... and just in the nick of time!

CNN (Cthulu News Network, by the way) delivered the wonderful news this morning that Canadian voters have chosen to go Conservative this time around ("chosen"... heh heh)— tired of liberals and their do-good policies, apparently — this is fantastic news!

Pretty soon we expect to reverse such social ills as universally available health care, government-supported higher education, state-sanctioned gay marriage, etc. It's just a matter of time before our theocrats and idealogues dominate all of North America.

Pretty soon it will be all ignorant homophobes with huge healthcare costs and the pharmaceutical companies running everything ... just like we like it.

Good going, Cannuck Task Force! YayEvil!

Beelzebub's Beans

2006-01-18T19:05:00.000-05:00

So tonight Beelzebub came over (shown at left — dashing isn't he? Who would have ever thought the Lord of the Flies, Satan's Right Hand, Bringer of Plagues and Pride could be so devilishly handsome...) and shared with me a recipe from his cookbook, that I might share it with you all!

Beelzebub's Beans

So you're in a rush to get to your next baby blood drinking, and don't have a lot of time to make a meal.

Never fear! We've got you covered!

Ingredients

One container, white rice that you didn't eat when you ordered Chinese last time
One bag, frozen green beans that you didn't use when you made Holiday Beans in December
Bottle of horseradish sauce
Bottle of Louisiana Hot Sauce
Bottle of A1 steak sauce

Mix rice and frozen green beans in bowl, microwave for 5 minutes.
Remove from microwave.

Put four glops of steak sauce at the N, S, E, and W of the bowl.
This represents Evil's (YayEvil!) spread to the four corners of the globe.

Connect the glops of steak sauce around the circumference of the dish with Louisiana Hot Sauce.
This signifies the blood that connects us as we dominate the planet.

Finally, put one dab of horseradish sauce in the center.
This represents Innocence, which is being helplessly surrounded by Evil.

Salt and pepper liberally, mix it up, and enjoy!

That ought to warm you up! Thanks Beelzebub!

Yes! Big Oil is Winning!

2006-01-16T15:29:00.000-05:00

If you're like me, your first significant fuel bill from the fall is due.

YayEvil!

My bill from Nov. 21 to Dec. 27 was 225.62.

And I'm a single guy.
Living alone.
One bedroom apartment.
I don't cook much.

Just imagine what that bill is for millions of families across America! With larger houses, more people, etc!

We're in the money, folks. Rejoice! Everything is happening exactly the way we planned.

We couldn't have picked a more charismatic Good Ol' Boy to be in Office.

He's the bringer of war, he's deaf to natural disasters happening to the disenfranchised...

And he's thrilled that we're lining his pockets! It's a win-win! That is, if you're on the Winning Side!

Yay Us! We're so proud of Our Boy!

Tax Season: Keeping the Gay Out

2006-01-10T07:03:00.000-05:00

Yes, it's tax season again.

What better time to reflect on the principles of world economic domination than an explanation of the most systematized prejudice in the world...

... and why we set it up.

To help us explain, we are joined by Gay Satan, to the right. Welcome, Gay Satan.

GS: It tickles my horns to be here, Wolf!

WS: Great. So, Gay Satan, you being gay and all, why do we set up tax laws in the United States so that married people with children get all the perks, and we who do not have that dream are seemingly persecuted?

GS: Honey, no you di-int.

WS: Uh, di-int what?

GS: Ask the most fabulous question of the year, bitch!

WS: Uhhh... ok. And this is a rated PG forum... could you watch the language?

GS: Save the drama for your momma? Okaaay? The point is that gay people and single people have more capital and less natural aggression and hostility than straight people who have kids. Think of soccer moms, stage moms, and PAL dads. They're working 50 hour weeks, but still penniless because the kids need designer clothes, and they're taking out their frustrations in public and embarrassing themselves.

WS: Hm. Interesting. So we set up unfair tax laws, put restrictions on marriage, etc, to make gays feel more hostile and ... deprive them of capital?

GS: Yes. Had to. Otherwise they'd be using their considerable wealth to ... improve their neighborhoods, keep their houses nice, have dinner parties, promote world peace and other ridiculously gay crap like that that runs counter to our agenda.

WS: What about the straight people with kids?

GS: They're already screwed. Look, they were trapped from the word go. They have no resources to do anything of note, and are so busy with attending to parenthood that they have no time to notice our Political Agents screwing up their entire world.

WS: But you yourself are gay. Why would you support making mortal gays less powerful?

GS: Well the hope is that that they'll get so pissed off they'll start to worship me. Then I'll make everything better for them.

WS: So if I see a gay person with considerable wealth, a nice house, leading a relatively happy existence?

GS: I've already been there.

WS: Brilliant. OK, what about single people? People who choose not to marry or have kids?

GS: I persecute them too with things like unfair taxation -- but they're riskier. They run the risk of becoming breeders -- if they're inclined to go that way, they'll join the rest of the subjugated masses. If they stay single ... they'll become bitter, lonely, depressed, life will become worthless, and eventually they'll either become gay and evil, or turn to me for help.

WS: OK. Any tips for minions this tax season?

GS: Yes. Get your cute little asses to a place that guarantees their tax prep work. We're preparing more audits this year. We figure we have a solid couple of years left under the current administration to screw up people's lives, which will be forgotten by the next election.

WS: Thank you for your time, Gay Satan.

GS: Stay infernally hot, you sassy bitch.

Short Cappuccinos and the Arch(Enemy) Card

2006-01-06T09:53:00.000-05:00

Not much needs to be said this morning. For why complain when things are going right?

Bragging should always be brief.

Those whiney liberals over at Slate actually published a story today about "the elusive short Cappuccino" at Starbucks, which is not on the menu.

A consumer advocacy piece.

*insert echoing Evil (Yay Evil!) laughter here*

Our plan to take the upper echelons of the pompous middle class, hypercaffeinate them to the point where they just-barely-feel-as-if-they're-on-speed-and-getting-away-with-it-at-work, and biochemically arranging for depressive-dependency and hostility levels that will come in handy for the Armies of Darkness during the Last Days...

Yes, we've done alarmingly well. So well that Starbucks now states -- and you have to dig for it -- that 33 million people per week visit Starbucks. Record revenues.

It's almost as excellent as what we're doing to the underprivileged.

Global sales for McDonalds Corporation were up 3.8 percent last year, and and that was before the release of the Arch Card... a brilliant marketing strategy to poor families in dangerous neighborhoods.

See, with an Arch(Enemy) Card, a concerned parent in a dangerous neighborhood, who does not want a child carrying around cash, can simply equip the child with a McDonald's Meal Plan. A card that can only be used to buy the highly addictive, high-fat content foods that keep potential inner-city revolutionaries quiet.

If you can't move, you can't revolt. Haha! Suckers...

"Everything is proceeding as I have foreseen." — Emperor Palpatine

Road Work and Wussies

2006-01-03T07:26:00.000-05:00

"Hell is paved with the skulls of unbaptised children." — Calvinist evangelical Jonathan Edwards (1703-1758)

You've seen populated areas, right? Imagine all the traffic in Hell. We're in more need of road work than the New Jersey turnpike, Minions. Let's get moving with the baby-making!

We've had an increase in the amount of materials lately, thanks to China and the National Right to Life movement, which is one of our flagship organizations (transit is very important in Hell. Most of us have spent our whole lives getting around, so it's a priority).

But we need more! And so we turn to you, gentlemen minions. You have to step up to the proverbial plate and engage in procreation!

Why you? Why not women?

Women already have this whole Evil (Yay Evil!) thing down. Reformed nice guys: have you ever wondered why women don't find you attractive? Why they're attracted to "jerks" instead?

You have to go all the way back to the beginning for this answer.

That there wussy on the right is Adam, and the hottie is Eve. Now, Adam was acting as a big old wussy, tending to God's garden (not that gardeners are wussies -- as a matter of fact, they're usually such pimps that you want to mind women around them), taking orders, being all OCD about giving everything a name, etc.

Eve was bored. And the Serpent made a good point (you're welcome): "Massa doesn't want you to eat from the Tree of Knowledge, lest ye become Gods." Eve thought it made sense, and she wanted to know everything (she ate first -- that's why women know more than men -- sorry guys) and then told her Wussy husband to eat too.

All women EVER wanted was for guys to find a pair.

And with the Knowledge came Fashion Sense. That is why Religious Retro Folk look like this...

And Minions look more like this (Incidentally we're trying to get her as our global spokesperson. Women don't have to be convinced we're right. Men do, because they're generally stupid like Adam. We can't think of one man that would say no to anything Ms. Stefani asked).

So stop acting like wussies. Eat more red meat. Stop talking about your God-damned feelings and be aggressive, disinterested, and irreverent.

Women, keep up the good work. We know you're still pissed about the way Massa cursed you with the monthly thing, and that whole being servile to your husband thing. Hey, we've been working on it. Hang in there!

2006(66): Year of the Beast

2006-01-01T10:05:00.000-05:00

Minions carouse! Happy New Year! (and it already is for us)....

You don't know the power of the Dark Side. — Darth Vader, The Empire Strikes Back

What could have been a better precursor to the Year of the Beast than 2005? We have had an amazing year of corruption, mass genocide by "nature" (haha) and Evil (Yay Evil!) has taken its foothold in every corner of modern life.

The tsunami we put together on AntiChristmas (Dec. 26) the previous year continued to distract people from our takeover of their local and regional governments. As a matter of fact, Americans barely blinked to see that somehow, our favorite Pawn... errr... Minion was reinstated as President on Inauguration Day in January.

While consumerism (the public face of our religion) spread to Persia in the form of democratic elections in Iraq (haha) ... the Beast Queen herself was released to wreak havoc ... and made more powerful by the expansion of her product line when Sears and K-Mart came together to spread her Evil influence.

And this was an incredible development... April 2 was a very good day for us. Yes indeed. Finally, that mamby-pamby, religiously tolerant, Polish perversion of a Pontiff was toppled. We needed to get rid of him. He was responsible for making Catholicism more tolerant on many levels, and that just can't be. We set up religions to DIVIDE, not bring together. Not talk of peace in the Middle East. Good riddance!

Now we have a real Minion there... sweet... I mean, just look at him. It's so clear! Hehe. Good PR for us!

We even managed to sneak into the ranks of the Royals in England. Minion Camilla (she likes to be called Cruella though, and she doesn't wear her Dalmatian coat very much in public anymore since all this publicity started) is finally legit. Cool beans.

We are very pleased that Agent MJ is out, a free ... err... man. We were extremely worried that his indiscretions with the children would cause a problem; fortunately our litigation team was able to get him off (... err...). This is a good thing. We need Jacko to continue creating sensations with his oddness that serve as distractions for the public from the comparatively normal Agents working, almost invisibly, in higher places. Long Live Neverland!

Finally, the trial of the Butcher of Baghdad is going painfully slow, which is a very good thing. He's not really one of us. He is a pawn, a fall guy, someone set up actually by the United States government years ago to do exactly what he did. The Bushes were brilliant in the way they then turned him into "the bad guy" after grooming, training and arming him. When was the last time Iraq did anything to the United States? Try never. Brilliant. Meanwhile the real enemies of the United States are sitting pretty....

All in all, a very good 2005! And we look forward to an even better 2006(66)!

Traitor: Schwarzenegger

2005-12-28T22:46:00.000-05:00

CALIFORNIA - Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is proposing another "termination" for the coming year -- this time, he's saying "hasta la vista, baby" to the fee hikes that would keep an increasing number of people out of the Educated Elite, according to the Los Angeles Times.

What the hell kind of Minion of Evil (Yay Evil!) is he?

Making certain education is available to all? What about his recent support of stem cell research?

The Arnold that Evildoers know and love is the one who kills a lot of stuff and takes steroids, an in-your-face declaration of power and privilege, with a Devil May Care (and he doesn't) approach to such things as health issues. To be First Bush's Chairman of the Presidential Council on Physical Fitness, and smoking a big fat stogie on the cover of Cigar Aficianado is the kind of enigmatic duality we encourage.

But who the hell is this? Looks like our friend is pregnant with Good Intentions.

And it's pissing us off.

We didn't bring him to this country, dope him up, turn him into Conan, shove a cigar into his mouth, marry him to Lady Skeletor, and make him Governor only to have him turn on us like this.

Evildoers are through with you, Arnold. Through!

Evil's position (get it?) on Canadian sex clubs

2005-12-27T00:14:00.000-05:00

A recent story about the legalization of swinger clubs in Canada has the self-righteous people's panties in a bunch (and since the self-righteous tend not to wear thongs, it's understandable that the aforementioned bunch is quite uncomfortable...).

The Toronto Sun reported breathy, uncouth religionists saying things like "it's a step away from God" and it offends "Canadian standards of decency."

Folks, that this is even a discussion offends Evil's standards of decency.

First of all: it's Canada and no one cares. To quote South Park the Movie, "They're not even a real country anyway." And it's true. Just check out their navy.

Secondly, Evil can't be wasting its time with such things. We didn't have anything to do with Sodom and Gemorrah either. Huge public relations debacle, if you ask me. Somehow Evil took the blame for that business. But we have to admit, the fireworks were inspirational! And ever since, we've been getting people to replicate it!

So no, we have absolutely nothing to do with people's sexual indiscretions, or what have you.

We don't care. We have more important things to arrange.

However ...

... if debating any of these silly prohibitions (drug use, sexual deviance from the norm [whatever that is], medically assisted suicide, etc.) distracts you from taking a closer look at OUR AGENDA for the planet ...

... then by all means, continue being indignant, and maintain your pointless yammering! We'll take care of things while you're preoccupied....

Santa: Got him!

2005-12-25T02:09:00.000-05:00

Our Agents caught Santa on film at an anti-war protest.

Old fool, trying to meddle in our affairs yet again. We've put up with this kind of crap from the old fuddy duddy for many years.

*sigh* We tried to work with him.

We tried to convince him, in a calm and rational way, that his energies were much better spent focusing on the distribution of toys to convert kids to Consumershtianity, but frankly, two things happened.

1) Our corporate interests are simply making cooler stuff.
2) He couldn't stop yammering about Joy to the World, Peace on Earth, and other trite poppycock.

The war protest thing was the last straw.

So this evening, at 11:59 p.m. ET, we nailed him.

I had been saving a SCUD missile for just this kind of poetic justice.

We've taken him into custody and are planning on using some ... other means of convincing. And just like our Agents in the military, we will not use humiliation.

Unless we offer the Ol' Boy a beer ... or two ... or twelve ... and... he humiliates himself.

Yep, Merry Christmas, world. We're hard at work rearranging the letters, and putting the SATAN back in SANTA.

Clearly it's time to update Santa's look, anyway. I mean, everyone knows: sex sells. And what better to sell the lie of Christmas than a little "Ho ho ho..."

WAR ON CHRISTMAS update!

2005-12-24T11:37:00.000-05:00

Our War on Christmas is going quite well.

The other day I was standing in line at Quick Check, and I wished the cashier "Very Happy Holidays" as is my custom.

Heh heh.

I'm leaving, and the old crone in line next to me says, "And Merry Chrischtmash! Thatsch what yer schupposched to schay!"

Stopped pushing the door.
Turned.
Eyes narrowed.
An eyebrow raised.
A smile.

... Since my recent conversion to Evil (the appropriate response to the word Evil [note the capital E, thanks] is ALWAYS "Yay Evil!" even if it interrupts the speaker -- it is a mark of respect due the word, you see), I realized that despite these annoyances, life is basically OK.

I mean, it's good to be on the Winning Side. Always.

And we're winning. It's just so clear.

We have installed an Agent as President who makes war (WAR! heh heh... heh heh... cool!) without substantiating reasons, while ignoring natural disasters (like Katrina, a brilliant stroke of genius by our Operative Climatologists -- funny they call such things Acts of God) that kill thousands here.

Our Agent Bin Laden is still out there as a Giant Boogeyman to frighten all the God-fearing westerners. (Agents Bush and Bin Laden were actually a package deal -- we hired them together -- that's why Bush hasn't "found" Bin Laden yet, but they show up at Evil Executive Committee meetings and like to play games together -- Agent Bin Laden still begs Agent Bush to play chess but Agent Bush says he "can't figger the horsies" so they play Hand Slapsies instead).

Democracy is spreading around the world (ever notice the "demo" in democracy... kind of looks like DEMON, doesn't it? See, it's all starting to make sense to you now). But really it's just our ploy to spread Consumerism around the globe. Our star agents -- the CEOs -- are quite pleased at this integration of our political and market forces.

"Slay bells ring... are you listnin'? See the blood, as it's glistnin'?"

We're doing great. Yup -- 31,000 civilians dead in Iraq, thousands dead in southern storms, our CEOs making gobs of money in rising fuel prices with no justification whatsoever, and best of all...

... our political team members (like Agent O'Reilly) and television ministry Agents (such as Agent Falwell) are dividing the country with talk of this War on Christmas.

Thank Evilness.

It's working.